As a teenager I always dreamed big. What might've been grandiose was palpable. I could practically taste my life of extreme impact. An imaginary life where 1,000s were led to give their lives towards an adventure, towards a relationship with Jesus. Every dream included a team. I never wanted to live my vision alone. I was with others with like minds passionately pursuing Jesus, dance, teaching, discipling and in every glorious picture, there were followers.
These big ideas were laced into my D.N.A... I grew up in a huge church where anything seemed possible. Every Sunday was full of 2,000-3,000 people and every conference drew thousand more from across the globe. Most who attended my church had moved from across the country because they "felt called" to my church. We were a youth group that wanted to taste more. We were bored with the every day and prayed for miracles, we got some. We invested in the future youth group by sowing in prayers. My church was a hub on energy, growth, change and prophecy. I hungered to make the kind of impact my pastors made on the world.
When I became an adult I never stopped desiring impact. But my views on the kind of impact had changed. I was sobered by the fact that the more people that heard me speak the more people I could let down or lead astray. The more people followed me, the more people I could hurt. Responsibility became real. I went to the front lines and started teaching dance in a sketchy part of town. My ministry was me and one other person. All I did was listen to little girls and boys share about their lives and teach them dance. I started leading a group prior to the class to bring in a bible story and prayer time. I remember chasing after a young girl who ran away down a stairwell. She had been hurt by others who had come and left. Teachers... And a parent (I believe). I hugged her. I told her about Jesus. I told her about true love. The kind that never leaves.
I was quieter for years. I went to work. I went to school. I lived the life God gave me. I prayed in secret. I had a few friends I told about Jesus. A few seemed curious at the least. A few weeks ago I felt that sweeping feeling again. The familiar desire to change the world. My old friend returning from the grave. I felt the faith to believe for 100s of souls at least and then, He spoke.
"What kind of impact do you want?" His voice lingered. "An atomic bomb?"
I laughed. Jesus likes to joke. But I knew what He meant. What kind of impact do I really want to have? He had said such a thing, not to belittle. That I know... I don't want to blow everyone away with my intensity. I don't want to scare. I just want to love. To befriend. And come along side a friend in need. To feed a hungry kid. To laugh with a stranger. To give away something I don't need. To make new friends. To walk the streets of my city with a prayer on my lips. And I want to listen to my Jesus and do what He wants, no matter what that means. I'd give up the world for Him. But all I want, is a heart willing to love and be loved. All I want, is a relationship so close nothing can shake it. All I want are a 1,000 miracles with Jesus stamped all over them. All I want is to travel the world being salt and light for the one who made me. All I want, is to be the woman of grace that I was made to be.
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